Shifting Perspectives: Understanding Adult ADHD Later in Life
Realizing Something Was Off
For most of my adult life, I thought I was just naturally scattered and a little flaky—drawn to new ideas, jobs, and relationships in a way that felt impulsive. I would jump from one thing to another, sometimes with intense focus, only to completely crash afterward. The voice in my head was constant: “Why can’t I just get it together?”
It wasn’t until my late 30s, after having my son, that I started wondering if something deeper was happening. Working as a therapist, I began to notice similarities between my experiences and those of clients who were diagnosed with ADHD later in life. Their stories stayed with me.
So, like many women, I started digging—books, podcasts, research well into the night. Eventually, the puzzle pieces came together. I realized: I have ADHD.
When the Scaffolding No Longer Holds
For years, I had built pretty solid scaffolding for myself—routines, strategies, mental checklists. They worked well enough to hold things together. But after I had my son, everything shifted.
My foundation grew—parenting, responsibilities, emotional labor—and suddenly the old scaffolding no longer supported me. Everything felt harder and misaligned. That’s when the pieces began to click: this wasn’t just stress. Something deeper was happening.
Why ADHD Is Often Missed in Women
Most diagnostic criteria for ADHD were originally based on how it shows up in young boys: hyperactivity, impulsivity, disruptive behavior. But ADHD in women tends to look different—and quieter.
We’re more likely to have inattentive-type ADHD, which can include:
Forgetfulness
Daydreaming
Disorganization
Internal restlessness
We learn to mask early by becoming helpers, perfectionists, overachievers. We work twice as hard to keep up, often without realizing how much effort it's taking—or why it still doesn’t feel like “enough.”
The 3 Subtypes of ADHD (And How They Show Up)
Understanding the different types of ADHD can help you make sense of your own experience:
1. Inattentive Type
Most common in women. Symptoms may include:
Losing things easily
Difficulty finishing tasks
Trouble following through
Mental fog or distractibility
2. Hyperactive-Impulsive Type
More visible symptoms, like:
Talking excessively
Fidgeting or restlessness
Interrupting or impulsivity
3. Combined Type
Includes traits from both of the above. Many women fall into this category—especially after major life transitions like motherhood or career shifts.
Before Diagnosis: The Signs You Might Miss
Many women don’t suspect ADHD because they’ve been “successful enough” on the outside. But under the surface, they’re often carrying:
Chronic burnout
Intense emotional swings
Shame and self-doubt
A lifelong sense of being “too much” or “not enough”
Some common signs:
Chronic disorganization or lateness
Procrastination, followed by intense hyperfocus
People-pleasing or perfectionism
Feeling like adulting is just harder for you than others
The Emotional Rollercoaster of a Late Diagnosis
Getting a diagnosis later in life often brings a tidal wave of emotion:
Relief, because you finally have a name for what you’ve been feeling
Grief, for the years spent struggling and blaming yourself
Anger, at being misunderstood or misdiagnosed
Validation, because your experience finally makes sense
This process can be tender. It’s okay to hold both the sadness and the hope.
What to Do After a Diagnosis
The first thing? Start with compassion. You’ve been doing the best you can with what you knew—and that’s no small thing.
Here are some supportive next steps:
✦ Learn About ADHD in Women
Web Resources for Women with ADHD
Divergent Conversations Podcast
✦ Work with a Neurodivergent-Affirming Therapist
A therapist who understands ADHD can help you unpack shame, find new tools, and rebuild self-trust.
✦ Build Systems that Support You
Calendars, timers, task apps, and sticky notes aren’t crutches—they’re scaffolding.
✦ Consider Medication
It’s not for everyone, but for many, it provides clarity and bandwidth. Find a provider that specializes in ADHD to support your needs.
✦ Find Community
Whether it’s a friend, an online group, or therapy, connection is powerful. Find your people! They are out there. We neuro-spicy folks tend to find each other.
Therapy Can Help You Rebuild on Solid Ground
If you’ve just been diagnosed or suspect ADHD is part of your story, know that there’s space here for you—without shame, without judgment.
At Willow Tree Collective, we support women navigating adult ADHD, late-in-life diagnosis, and the emotional weight of years spent in the dark.
We’ll help you:
Make sense of your experience
Find tools that actually work for your brain
Reconnect with your strengths
Shift from self-blame to self-understanding and build self-compassion
You deserve support that sees the whole you—not just the parts that feel like they’re “too much” or “not enough.”
